My daughter is 8 years old, and I can’t be prouder of the little woman she’s becoming.
Every day, I know she’s watching me, from how I speak to her to how I treat the people around me.
One day, she’ll be a grown woman looking back at her childhood.
And I want her to remember a mother she felt safe with, not one she quietly resented.
The truth is, many daughters love their mothers and still carry hurt they’ve never said out loud.
They call on Mother’s Day, show up for family events, and say “I love you, Mum.”
But underneath it, there’s something they’ve never been able to explain, even to themselves.
As a girl mom, I’ve been thinking about this a lot.
6 Reasons Some Daughters Secretly Resent Their Mothers
1. She criticized her body or appearance
A lot of us women are battling body image issues.
My body now isn’t the one I had when I got married.
I’ve carried two heavy babies, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
I don’t see myself going under the knife for a mommy makeover.
But I could go for a non-invasive procedure like Emsculpt Neo to tighten my belly when I have the money.
That’s how much this bothers many of us as adults.
We look in the mirror and don’t like what we see.
And in this age of social media, where someone looks like she’s never had a child even after having four, it’s even harder.
Now imagine dealing with all of that while your own mother criticizes your looks.
“You’re getting too fat.”
“No man will marry you looking like this.”
Words like that don’t fade.
A daughter can hear them for decades, every time she stands in front of a mirror.
That’s why I tell my children they’re beautiful every day.
Every blessed day, and I’m not kidding.
There’s a saying in Nigeria: “Monkey no fine, but im mama like am.”
It means even if the world doesn’t think a monkey is beautiful, its mother still loves it.
If a mother can’t see beauty in her own daughter, who will?
The world will criticize her enough.
Home should be the one place where she’s reminded she’s beautiful just as she is.
2. She compared her to other girls, or to her siblings
I have two children, a girl and a boy, and I never take it lightly when anyone tries to compare them.
They’re both unique in their own ways.
My son is such a sweetheart.
He’s a people person, even though he can be shy at first.
But once he gets to know you, he’s the sweetest boy ever.
He actually makes my coffee most mornings, even when I don’t ask.
“Mom, should I make you coffee?”
My daughter has never made me coffee.
But this same daughter tells me every morning without fail, on her way to school, “Have a good day, Mom.”
They are different, with their own weaknesses and strengths.
It would be unfair to look at one and ask why the other isn’t the same.
Yet so many daughters grew up hearing it.
“Why can’t you be like your sister?”
“Your friend is already a doctor, and you’re still here.”
A mother may think she’s motivating her daughter.
But what the daughter hears is that she’s not enough as she is.
And that feeling doesn’t disappear when she grows up.
She carries it into her marriage, her career, and her friendships, always measuring herself against someone else.
Some daughters resent their mothers for that.
3. She lived her dreams through her
I remember a classmate from nursing school.
Even the blind could see she was creative and would have done better in the creative world.
She braided hair, did makeup, and made dresses, all without any formal training.
That’s how naturally gifted she was.
But she studied nursing because her mom had wanted to be a nurse.
When her mom couldn’t become one, she lived that dream through her daughter.
This lady struggled through nursing school and failed some exams.
And now, years after graduation, guess what she’s doing?
Makeup.
She’s not working as a nurse.
I sometimes envy my children because I didn’t have the support they have now.
I loved writing, but my parents didn’t see it as a way to earn a good living.
I don’t blame them.
They acted on the knowledge that was available to them at the time.
But now that I know better, I tell my children they can be anything they want, and I’ll support them.
One of our responsibilities as parents is to discover our children’s gifts and help them nurture and make the most of them.
And it’s so beautiful to watch my children blossom in their different areas.
My daughter is good at mathematics and loves swimming and running.
My son is more creative.
He writes just for the sake of writing, like I used to when I was younger, and he draws.
Imagine if I pushed them into the same box because of what I wanted.
When a mother lives her dreams through her daughter, the daughter ends up living a life that was never hers, and that’s a recipe for resentment.
4. She expected her to be her best friend instead of her daughter
I always tell people, your daughter is not your friend.
Your children are not your friends.
How do you guide a friend?
How do you correct her, discipline her, or tell her no when she’s supposed to be your equal?
A lot of mothers, especially when they’ve been hurt by their husbands, end up burdening their daughters with the pain of their marriage.
They tell her everything.
What Daddy did, what Daddy didn’t do, and how they only stayed because of the children.
The daughter becomes the shoulder to cry on, and the counselor.
She’s still a child, but she’s carrying grown-up problems she doesn’t have the tools to handle.
That’s why some daughters grow up feeling responsible for their mother’s happiness.
What makes it harder is that the daughter often can’t say any of this.
How do you resent the mother who was hurting?
So she keeps it to herself, and the resentment grows quietly.
5. She never apologized
I always say parenting is sacred, but no parents are perfect.
Many of us only truly understand parenting when we become parents.
It’s easy to criticize your parents until you become one.
But that doesn’t mean every parent did their best.
Some parents were simply not it.
If some daughters shared what their mothers did to them, we would understand why they resent them.
Some mothers were never there for their daughters, physically or emotionally.
Some stayed in abusive relationships and watched while their daughters suffered.
Some chose men over their children.
And many of these mothers have never once said, “I’m sorry.”
Instead, they say, “I did my best,” or they act like nothing ever happened.
That’s what hurts the most.
A daughter can forgive a lot.
But it’s hard to heal when the person who hurt you won’t even acknowledge it.
An apology won’t erase the past or give her back her childhood.
But it tells her that what she went through was real, and that her pain matters.
6. She didn’t protect her when she needed it
I logged on to Facebook some days ago and saw one of my Facebook friends call out her mother.
When she was younger, her uncle, her mother’s own brother, sexually abused her.
She told her mother what happened.
And her mother didn’t protect her.
She said she would never forgive her mom.
I read that post more than once.
I’ll never understand how a mother could choose family reputation over her daughter’s safety and mental health.
Telling takes so much courage for a child.
She has to find the words, push past the fear and shame, and trust that her mother will believe her.
When that trust is met with silence or “don’t tell anyone,” it’s crazy.
A mother can’t always prevent every bad thing from happening to her child.
But when her daughter comes to her and says, “Mummy, someone hurt me,” she must be the one person who believes her and stands between her and danger.
Even if the whole family turns against her.
If you’re reading this and this was your story, it wasn’t your fault, and you deserved to be protected.
Most mothers love their daughters, but love alone doesn’t stop a daughter from getting hurt.
The good news is that it’s never too late to repair.